I just watched this kind-of-terrible movie called Jack and Diane; it’s about two teenaged girls having a summer romance while just livin’ life, you know how that shit goes. And apparently one of the girls is a werewolf! Really! But not really? I hope no one will be too surprised when I tell you that whether or not one of the girls is a werewolf is actually the least-interesting object in the movie. For example, Jack and Diane has the sort of sex scenes that the class of movie critic who sometimes get to wear teevee make-up usually refer to as “steamy,” if you like that sort of thing. Also, the fact that it is named after a Mellencamp song and is about gay characters should clue you in to what sort of sardonical hand-made sentiments the plot will apply to your eyeballs — surrealism, a postmodern approach to time and linearity, “violence,” adolescent sexuality as partially-unconscious exhibitionism. Barf? A little barf. What makes Jack and Diane something to watch repeatedly, though, is the almost unbearably great performance by Riley Keough, Elvis’s granddaughter. She is one of the most brilliant actors I have ever seen in my life. She is as good as Dustin Hoffman was in Midnight Cowboy. She is as good as a translucent, emaciated British graduate of RADA who talks like a Malfoy and has a name that sounds like it was designed for a failed Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. She should be in literally all of the movies. Why is she not in every single movie? She is also as beautiful as she is talented, if that is possible. I watched her, transfixed, barely breathing, as she made this kind-of-terrible not-quite-a-werewolf movie into a work of art, almost by accident, because she herself is a construct of astonishing, actorly consequence. Put her in all of the movies, please. Immediately.
The rest of the cast is also great, especially Juno Temple, and the movie itself is not a nightmare, especially if you’ve been prepared for it (as I have just prepared you, no need to thank me). (You will come to realize that that’s a joke, if you are smart enough to watch Jack and Diane.)
Next I am watching Beasts of the Southern Wild, wish me luck.
Hopefully no one will be a werewolf.
(Or at least, if one of them is a werewolf, he or she will have the decency not to be coy about it.)