Peter Lake (Colin Farrell) [x]
BY THE SCREENWRITER OF WALLANDER.
Julian Fellowes wrote the first version of the Strange & Norrell film, and I was totally prepared to die for love of it (provided that I did not have to miss any meals), and then Julian Fellowes was like hmm, I think this movie should be filmed in 3D!, and I was like WHAT THE FUCK JULIAN FELLOWES, I’M MORE ATTRACTED TO YOUR SPIRITUAL SIDE, and then New Line exploded after The Golden Compass and it seemed like the movie would never get made. Which was good, probably, because based on the typical fantasy-moviegoing experience there was every chance it would’ve become Joanna Strange: Girl Magician, and it would star Amanda Seyfried and Johnny Depp, and possibly it would be a musical and in 3D and in IMAX, and also it would be a source of pain and despair to me forever.
But now it’s being made for real! By British people! Into a six-part miniseries! And I am only two months late to the news! Better than usual, hooray!
Oh man, I wish they’d hurry and cast someone as John Uskglass so I could go live in his trashcans. (Of course I’m just kidding.)
(I will live in the sewer underneath his apartment building.)
I just watched this kind-of-terrible movie called Jack and Diane; it’s about two teenaged girls having a summer romance while just livin’ life, you know how that shit goes. And apparently one of the girls is a werewolf! Really! But not really? I hope no one will be too surprised when I tell you that whether or not one of the girls is a werewolf is actually the least-interesting object in the movie. For example, Jack and Diane has the sort of sex scenes that the class of movie critic who sometimes get to wear teevee make-up usually refer to as “steamy,” if you like that sort of thing. Also, the fact that it is named after a Mellencamp song and is about gay characters should clue you in to what sort of sardonical hand-made sentiments the plot will apply to your eyeballs — surrealism, a postmodern approach to time and linearity, “violence,” adolescent sexuality as partially-unconscious exhibitionism. Barf? A little barf. What makes Jack and Diane something to watch repeatedly, though, is the almost unbearably great performance by Riley Keough, Elvis’s granddaughter. She is one of the most brilliant actors I have ever seen in my life. She is as good as Dustin Hoffman was in Midnight Cowboy. She is as good as a translucent, emaciated British graduate of RADA who talks like a Malfoy and has a name that sounds like it was designed for a failed Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. She should be in literally all of the movies. Why is she not in every single movie? She is also as beautiful as she is talented, if that is possible. I watched her, transfixed, barely breathing, as she made this kind-of-terrible not-quite-a-werewolf movie into a work of art, almost by accident, because she herself is a construct of astonishing, actorly consequence. Put her in all of the movies, please. Immediately.
The rest of the cast is also great, especially Juno Temple, and the movie itself is not a nightmare, especially if you’ve been prepared for it (as I have just prepared you, no need to thank me). (You will come to realize that that’s a joke, if you are smart enough to watch Jack and Diane.)
Next I am watching Beasts of the Southern Wild, wish me luck.
Hopefully no one will be a werewolf.
(Or at least, if one of them is a werewolf, he or she will have the decency not to be coy about it.)
Hey, Let’s Have Another Look at Thor! Thor and Some Other Boring People Are Standing in a Forest Thor: In This One He Leaves His Shirt On Snow White and the Huntsman, an exciting computer-generated fairy tale set in the Land of Humorously Terrible Accents. It was pretty boring! And really long. Really long and quite boring, is how I would characterize this film, and the only person in the entire movie who acted well was… Chris Hemsworth??????? Yes, that was in fact the case. Also his weird accent was less ear-murderingly dumb than I expected, and at least remained consistent from scene to scene. He stayed, however, depressingly clothed. I thought the producers abandoning the other characters for a sequel titled Just the Huntsman was a naked attempt to capitalize on the innate human desire to gaze upon Thor in his natural habitat, but — nope! He was actually the only interesting thing in the film. (Also, his face. He has that face. That one you’re looking at.)
Ummm, the dialogue was strictly Cliffs Notes, the landscapes were beautiful but clearly traded on clichés of scenes from better fantasy films (mostly LotR), the narrative arcs were both too long and unoriginal, the beasts and fairies were stupid-looking, the dumb evil queen was all vamp and no ire (but she was beautifully-designed), and the dwarves were visibly prosthetic. Also, why are all dwarves “Scottish”? I believe the Huntsman was also supposed to be “Scottish,” now that I think about it. Maybe he is part dwarf? #Carrot Ironfoundersson
It reminded me a little of the Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess series of my childhood, but without the enlightening gay subtexts and funny-on-purpose self-awareness. The hollywood gossip articles mention that the Snow White writer isn’t doing Just the Huntsman, so maybe somebody who actually knows what time it is will make up a story that isn’t a patchwork of forty different ‘original fiction’ submissions to the AO3.
If you like Thor, probably you already saw this movie! If you don’t like him, there’s nothing much to see.
Oz the Great and Powerful trailer (2013 release) - starring James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams
Disney’s fantastical adventure “Oz The Great and Powerful,” directed by Sam Raimi, imagines the origins of L. Frank Baum’s beloved character, the Wizard of Oz. When Oscar Diggs (James Franco), a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled away from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks he’s hit the jackpot—fame and fortune are his for the taking—that is until he meets three witches, Theodora (Mila Kunis), Evanora (Rachel Weisz) and Glinda (Michelle Williams), who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone’s been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the epic problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity—and even a bit of wizardry—Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well.
Among the directors already committed to the project are Oscar nominees Marjane Satrapi (Persepolis); Tomm Moore (The Secret of Kells); Joan Gratz (Mona Lisa Descending a Staircase) andBill Plympton (Guard Dog and Your Face).
After going through every single book in the house, I couldn’t find Winter’s Tale. I went out & re-bought it yesterday afternoon.
I am hundred and seventy pages under, and I want to tell you that 100% of the actors mentioned so far in connection with Peter Lake would be horrible sad clownshoes in the role. Peter is of early middle age. He is Difficult. You wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley. He is an anthropomorphism of all the terrors and hyper-realistic wonders of Helprin’s New York City, a place so rigidly, fantastically mannered it makes classic Woody Allen movies look like those old documentaries Warhol used to make about people sleeping. Peter is definitely one of the best, most lovable characters ever, and knowing that he will undoubtedly spend 114 minutes being called out of his name on film by talentless famous people is just as eye-crossingly unfair as it always is when that happens. But, despite the inevitability, here are some actors I think would make a great Peter: Viggo Mortensen, Christopher Waltz, Russell Crowe, Colin Farrell, and Brad Pitt.
Even though there is less than no chance that any of those men will get the part, we can still hope for someone better than blank-eyed gerbil-fetus monsters like Garrett Hedlund and Aaron Johnson. There is always hope.
The experience of reading the book itself is almost like eating something. It’s taking me ages to get through because I stay a long time with just about every third sentence, savoring its grammar and meaning as if it were iced with signification. As for right-wing propaganda, so far Winter’s Tale doesn’t seem to include any more than most fantasy epics, and it has significantly less than many of them (it’s hard to hold their patriarchal swoonings against the poor dears, lineal descendants as they all are of the mysteries and elevated language of the Pentateuch). The rug could be creeping out from beneath my feet without my noticing it, though. I will keep you updated.
In other news, I am definitely going to die before I finish The Quincunx, now more than ever, THE END.
My Neurotic, Repeated Nightly Googling of the Winter’s Tale Movie Brings You:
You don’t know how welcome you are, do you?
You just wait.
(Unless they fuck it up.)
I don’t think this movie flat has to suck. I think it could be good? I like historicized films that peep at injustice or atrocity through the amberglass of nostalgia, as long as they are not terrible. So, I liked The Pianist, Mississippi Burning, The Good German, Valkyrie, and Good Night, and Good Luck. Yes. That’s about it. Although the wax museum of celebrity presidential impersonators makes me eesh a little. On the other hand, Liam Neeson.
Starring Michael Fassbender, vaguely annoying owner of a wildebeest nose and possibly an evil woman-beater. On the other hand: A CÚCHULAINN MOVIE THAT IS NOT A SYFY ORIGINAL. What, what, what am I going to do? (Clearly the crux of the “Michael Fassbender is a woman-beater” controversy is ‘will I or will I not go see his movies?’) (Priorities.)